Solitario

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self."

-Brendan Francis-

Old School News is Still New School News

Turning My Nightmares Into Dreams Part II

I have never been more homesick in my life. I have been having nightmares for the past two weeks...Nightmares, I know what your thinking! Your too old to be having nightmares, but they're not just any kind of nightmares. Lately I have been having the kind of nightmares where I wake up in a cold sweat or wake up not knowing where I am. I believe my nightmares are stemming from my fears....Fear of not being good enough, failing, fear of being alone and past mistakes. During the day I like to keep myself busy to forget about those fears, but when I dream I feel in tuned to my soul and every negative thought that I have tried to ignore during the day makes itself known during my dreams. Even experiences during the day where I think don't bother me seems to play out like a bad horror movie when I sleep. Do these dreams mean I don't address my problems or just don't address them properly? There is one feeling that is always prevalent throughout these dreams, and that is a sense of being out of control.

I moved to St. Louis in August last year and moved in with my Aunt and Uncle temporarily until I found another place to live. In the time between August and December when I was living with my Aunt and Uncle it was the second time in my life where I have felt utterly alone. The first month I was here in St. Louis I cried every night, only the pillows I laid on every night knew the pain that I felt. You see before I came to St. Louis I was promised a car by my dad, but things didn't go well and he went back on his own word of getting me a car. Instead of staying home in Las Vegas for that school semester I was determined to go school again outside of NV, with or without a car. Had I known what I know now things would have been a lot different. I braved the needle pricking cold winds without a proper coat because for the longest could not afford one, I had boots that were made for looks and not much else so when it rained I watched the dirty rain water seep through the cracks of my boots. I would start my weekdays at 7 am and would not return home until 5 pm and my feet would be soaked and cold all day, my nails splitting, and hair falling out because I could not afford to take care of it and my stomach empty. I had hardly any friends and no girlfriends. The guy I was talking to just used me basically, so to say the least it was a very lonely and sad time. Sometimes if I think about the negative events of last year too long I become upset again. I know from dealing with that situation and not to mention the negative events and relationships I dealt with prior to coming to St. Louis from South Carolina it took a mental, physical and physical toll on me. It was definitely the straw that broke the camels back, in more ways then one.

Although this year in St. Louis was nothing compared to last year, I still feel alone. I don't have as many friends, connections or a sense of place here at all. I have been a year although I only tell people that I have been here since April, since that is when I got my car and really started living and seeing St. Louis for myself. I feel even worse because I have taken my internal frustration on people who are ill deserving of it.

I want to just get away from all this city and all of its confusion. Even thought Ive been working and going to school I wake up everyday in my apartment by myself and feel like I have just wasted so much time here...

Back Again

Im back and ready to blog!

Adventures in Wonderland

I am 21, so why don’t I feel like I am? My mother says I am grown now but I remember my H.S. graduation like it was yesterday. I feel like Alice traveling down the rabbit hole, everyone wanted Alice to grow up all at once, but no one told her how. I believe Alice’s wonderland was her safe haven, a comfort from the reality of her world. I have a wonderland that I dream of, not as elaborate or off the wall as Alice, but just as comforting and more inviting then the reality of my world. One in which people are beautiful, passionate and a world where there are no worries or disappointments; time has no beginning or end, just exists. Time on Earth is swift and taking of youth, but the time in my wonderland runs like a pure stream, existing only to delicately aid you in this understanding of this journey of life.

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

Hey Everyone,

I just been really down lately, my car is taking longer to process then I thought. Im a little behind on school work and I just feel overwelmed and tired. I spent this whole weekend extremely sad and feeling out of control. My life is always a mixof my past and present clashing. Sometimes I feel so ashamed of the decisions I have made I get stuck in this mental bind where I cant even lead my feet to move. When I start to look at the positive in my life its like I have a voice constantly remiding of all the mess Ive done. I havent done anything as far as crimes being comitted or anything on that level but I just don't know what to do at times.
I have friends but I cant tell them what I am feeling, and I can't make them feel what I am feeling. Somedays I feel as if the sun will never set and sometimes I wish it would never rise. I need some sort of peace to clear my mind, but just what that peace is I just dont know. Sometimes I wish I could just swallow a pill and everything would be ok.
It's funny I wanted to be grown so fast when I was younger. But, now I wish I could be a child again. Safe in my mother's arm and talking about all the beautiful wonders the world held and how bright my future would be. I know my mother has been telling me its just time to grow up and be totally independent. But, to be honest I don't want to be at times. I love the comfort of my mother always being there and helping me through whatever I go through. A comfort that I do not feel everyday. When I was a child I just new everything was going to be alright, the morning was a beautiful sight and the night hauntingly enchanting . Now the nights are bleak and lonely at times, and the sun stings my eyes and then I long for the comfort of the dark and quiet nite.

So much confusion, I just dont know what to do.

Welcome Back

Hey everyone sorry I haven't been blogging in a while! Ive been in the process of moving and getting settled for the new school semester. Things have been have going really well for me! For once everything is coming together quite nicely and the shadows of last year are far behind me.

So What's New?

New Boo ( Way better then the last, cute, two cars, a job and wants a relationship!Takes me out and treats me like a queen! What more can you ask for?)

New Car ( picture coming soon)

New Look ( picture coming soon)

New roommate ( fun)


More money!


I will continue blogging bi-weekly.

The journey continues

Mystic Blue

Mystic blue is the color of the night sky
And the smell of rain.
It is the color deep within
Behind the eyes and flowing winds.
It is the color of unwhispered words
Of the way I feel about all things.
It is the color of the blue in a fires flame.
The sound that the wolves make
when the pack has united.
It is the way the cool wind comes from
The forest where the trees stand in welcome.
It is the way a heart is felt
When a hug has met its warm embrace.
It is the color of a tear drop
And the depths that draw beyond a laughter.
It is the way I feel, mystic blue,
When freedom has taken wing
And allowed me those graces
I am home again.

-Unknown Author

Not Everything Is Exactly As It’s Sold

The things we fear the most have already happened to us.... ~Deepak Chopra~

I miss being a child, not so much a child, but being ignorant. Whoever said ignorance was bliss, is totally right. When you are a child the world to you is one big wonder, a road that has no end, few stop signs, and no forks in the road to misguide you. It was the only time I felt safe, when I was shielded from the unruly truth that life is not a dream, and relationships are not a fairytale.

Do you remember the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy falls a sleep into a field of poppy flowers? When she awakes she sees clearer. That's what I felt like the day I realised reality. I woke up out of the poppy field. I realised most people are only out for themselves, and that love is nothing more than a illusion if not more than a fable.

Everyday when the sun rises in the east, and I awake, I peer through my blinds and look through my window just to see if anything has changed. Hoping for a change, a break in the sky, something diff rent than my ordinary everyday routine. Maybe I shouldn't wait for a change. I gaze at the stars each night, trying to find the brightest one, always hoping that there is someone else out there in the world like me who understands me, and that will already know every thought in my head, every word I have spoken, and every dream I have dreamt.

I fear every night that I will never find the right path to walk down, only rocky roads with endless outlets that lead into the abyss of darkness. My greatest fear is not of the darkness of this road, for I have travelled down it for many miles in silence, the fear is that I will walk this road alone.

Simply Beautiful

Even a diamond (sometimes) cannot compare to a rose.

More New Pictures

New Pictures

These are some new pictures from my newest photoshoot with Robinson Photo Studio.

A diffrent look for me, but I like it.

Round Table Discussions #1 Relationships (video)

It went from a joke to being so serious..lol we tried.
so shout out to our first attempt at editing.

ok. before you watch..here are a few warnings!

-excuse the loud fan in the bathroom. we had no where else to record..
-disregard the low quality camera
-dont laugh at the watermark in the middle of the video. we used a new program (the trial version) and they played us!
other than that..enjoy..lol =)



also be sure to follow my dear friend Daja via http://www.sincerelydaja.com/ Thank You

Everything is Not As It's Sold

My friend Caitlin once told me that you will never truly see your self how others have. I've always belived there was some truth in that statement, it is really hard to know what others are thinking of you. People can smile, but feel pain. People can cry, but not even feel sad. People can apologize, but not even feel remorse. As complex as the world is, it is any wonder people have survived .


But, I guess that is how the world works. Dont you think so? Pretending to be on thing only to survive another day in life. Being a mother working endless hours, pretending to love life when really you are aching just to rest. Going to a job you hate, just to pay the bills. Even spouses, saying honey I'll miss you when you really want them just to leave the house. Marrying someone just to be financially secure. Which reminds me of my sister's friend who married a man just because he was wealthy, and owned his own business. He was really a tyrant who would physically abuse her, and make her wear sweat suits; or baggy clothes even though it was in the middle of July. When I first saw her I thought she was in her mid-thirties, but really she was no older than 25.

Same with politicians, don't they have to lie, and save face just to get by. Make another dollar, so that their generations of their children can survive. I do wonder, do any of them have a conscience bone in their body? As my mother use to say, "Everything is not as it seems". I guess she was right.

What is a Father?

This is a question I have always asked myself when I was growing up, because my relationship with my father was a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I know that I am not alone in the abuse and emotional neglect of my father, and it is so sad that so many women and men grow up with out a good father figure around. Men that grow up with out a father often live recklessly in their lives in order to learn how to be a man. Women often try to find male attention and love through someone who often at times abuses them in some way and takes them for granted.

Here is what a real father is:

Well many people think because they had sex and created a child they are a dad. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. That short span of personal pleasure does not , then the title “unfortunately" doesn’t apply to you.


A real dad is someone who truly loves you. Now that word love encompasses unconditional love. That means they are always there to help. They hurt when you hurt. That they are human but will admit their mistakes when wrong. That while they will always be protective, they will let you grow while making sure you do not stray to far off course. They do not judge but try to help yet, they will try to provide what is important to you while teaching you responsibility and values. Sometimes we prefer those who give, give, give and we miss the point of why sometimes you must work for something you want not just be handed it. Then again we like people who allow us to do what we want but yet we really do want someone to care what we do. While we may frown when they say no if we truly love them and we have good communications then we can understand why.
A dad is someone we can confide in when we are down and out. Who is always ready with a kiss and a big hug. They will not condemn, yell, curse or hit you when you do something wrong but they will allow you to understand what you did and try to help you through it.
Dads are men who put their entire life into YOU. They do not say what’s mine is mine and you have to get yours, they say we are family, I love you and how can I help you through your problem. Dads are there when you need help and when there is no one else to go to. They are also there to let you know life is not a hand out and it can be tough. So, if your refused a handout for something frivolous then think about why and what else may be important.



by: Robert Melaccio, Sr

Fear

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

-Nelson Mandela

Tamikko

Tamikko is a model/professional dancer/ and a designer of high end accessories. Her profession(s) have lead her to travel all over the world and work with celebrities such as Lil Wayne and Kanye West. I look up to this woman for her versatility, style, business sense and creativity. Tamikko is the epitome of swagg.

You can check her out via http://www.myspace.com/TAMIKKO

Zero Tolerance Policy

As I become older I am starting to have a "zero tolerance policy" with people. The things that I used to find cute or funny with people is really starting to get on my nerves. Such as:

1. People not following through with plans.
2. Guys pretending to have their shyt together and don't. They're either broke and want you to pay. Had children too early and have no time for a personal life or are straight up crazy.
3. Dealing with fake friends who are supposed to "ride or die", but are only ride or die for parties or only during the good times.
4. Guys that think they are more feminine then me.
5. Guys that call me stuck up because I don't want to deal with their bullshyt and I keep it moving to the next one.
6. People that say they want to help you with something, but never do or if they do they want twice the repayment for their help.
7. Girlfriends that always try to talk to your homeboys or guyfriends that always try to talk to your homegirls.
8. Fake rappers, producers, dopeboys, models and so called artist period!
9. Ho's at parties! I ve said it once and I ll say it again if you are going to be a ho be a good ho, no credit, no checks. Get paid for what you do!
10. People that claim religion when it's convenient. If you are about God, be about Him 24/7.


Life would be so much easier if people would just be true to themselves and stop protraying what they think they should be. You have one life, live it for yourself without wearing a mask.

What Is Love?

What is love, is it more powerful than money?
..

More beautiful than anything one person can experience? Or, just simply beauty?
..

When you have it how do you know its true?
Can love be measured, even in its simplest forms?
Maybe it is like a drug, that one can not let go of.
Finding love, living, breathing, and thinking about every waking moment with the one you love is, can be a difficult, and beautiful thing.
Life with out love, is like going through winter without a fire.
In this world there is a person for everyone, how do you know how good a heart is if you never try to understand? How do you start to love someone else, when you do not love your self?
What love is, can not be described, its a ineffable feeling that surpases all reason.
No matter the answer, it is a great thing to be in love.
~Yunson~

Life can only be appreciated when freedom is taken away and enjoyed when it is gained.

Welcome to the Journey

It has been a moment since I have been in the blogosphere. I decided to make this blog dedicated to my work as a model, my personal situations as a college student, and my struggles to becoming an independent woman. Welcome to the journey...