Turning My Nightmares Into Dreams Part II

I have never been more homesick in my life. I have been having nightmares for the past two weeks...Nightmares, I know what your thinking! Your too old to be having nightmares, but they're not just any kind of nightmares. Lately I have been having the kind of nightmares where I wake up in a cold sweat or wake up not knowing where I am. I believe my nightmares are stemming from my fears....Fear of not being good enough, failing, fear of being alone and past mistakes. During the day I like to keep myself busy to forget about those fears, but when I dream I feel in tuned to my soul and every negative thought that I have tried to ignore during the day makes itself known during my dreams. Even experiences during the day where I think don't bother me seems to play out like a bad horror movie when I sleep. Do these dreams mean I don't address my problems or just don't address them properly? There is one feeling that is always prevalent throughout these dreams, and that is a sense of being out of control.

I moved to St. Louis in August last year and moved in with my Aunt and Uncle temporarily until I found another place to live. In the time between August and December when I was living with my Aunt and Uncle it was the second time in my life where I have felt utterly alone. The first month I was here in St. Louis I cried every night, only the pillows I laid on every night knew the pain that I felt. You see before I came to St. Louis I was promised a car by my dad, but things didn't go well and he went back on his own word of getting me a car. Instead of staying home in Las Vegas for that school semester I was determined to go school again outside of NV, with or without a car. Had I known what I know now things would have been a lot different. I braved the needle pricking cold winds without a proper coat because for the longest could not afford one, I had boots that were made for looks and not much else so when it rained I watched the dirty rain water seep through the cracks of my boots. I would start my weekdays at 7 am and would not return home until 5 pm and my feet would be soaked and cold all day, my nails splitting, and hair falling out because I could not afford to take care of it and my stomach empty. I had hardly any friends and no girlfriends. The guy I was talking to just used me basically, so to say the least it was a very lonely and sad time. Sometimes if I think about the negative events of last year too long I become upset again. I know from dealing with that situation and not to mention the negative events and relationships I dealt with prior to coming to St. Louis from South Carolina it took a mental, physical and physical toll on me. It was definitely the straw that broke the camels back, in more ways then one.

Although this year in St. Louis was nothing compared to last year, I still feel alone. I don't have as many friends, connections or a sense of place here at all. I have been a year although I only tell people that I have been here since April, since that is when I got my car and really started living and seeing St. Louis for myself. I feel even worse because I have taken my internal frustration on people who are ill deserving of it.

I want to just get away from all this city and all of its confusion. Even thought Ive been working and going to school I wake up everyday in my apartment by myself and feel like I have just wasted so much time here...